Movie Watching Etiquette (Decent people VS Uncouth dogs)

A Friday is round the corner, everyone is waiting for a release and movie buffs somehow try to watch it on the opening weekend. As per Government rules, there always have to be low priced tickets even in the most posh multiplexes between Rs.10 to Rs.50.

The film begins, the theatre is silent, and there is a serious conversation happening on screen, and everyone is engrossed in the scene, when a phone goes off loudly among the front benchers. Some hideous ringtone (some devotional song or a C grade film song) adds to the frustration of the other viewers. He speaks even louder than his ringtone, with the entire theatre listening…“Sollu machan”... “Naan Sathyam theatre la padam paakiren” (I am watching a movie in Sathyam theatre).

He then rambles on for a few minutes with some aimless conversation (all in colloquial language), while the others silently suffer and miss snatches of the movie dialogue. He then promises the person on the other side of the phone that he will be there on time. They would probably be discussing which TASMAC to meet at and get drunk later that night, but he makes it sound very important, because the others are listening. A few good minutes are lost for the rest of the viewers, as they try hard to concentrate on the dialogue. Those seated in the elite class want to strangle him.

Then it is interval time, and everyone pushes and shoves, and shoves and pushes you at the food counter, all purposely ignoring the fact that there is a queue. They buy their food and go running back into the theatre, only to find that they have to watch twenty minutes of terribly boring and cheesy advertisements with models who look like they have risen from the graveyard (serves them right for pushing the others at the queue).

Then the drastic moments begin, with everyone chewing loudly and slurping on the cola cans even more loudly. Serious films which have important dialogues take the biggest beating, as viewers most often miss what is happening because of all the noisy chewing and slurping. Strictly no one tries to eat slowly. Then they crunch on the popcorn, and chew loudly into the neighbours ears with mouths open, non stop. It gets really infuriating because the bag of popcorn seems to be a bottomless well. The popcorn is then passed up and down among the friends/family they have to come to watch the film with. When the popcorn reaches the person next to you, you would want to grab it and hide it in the dark under the seat or shower him with it, to save yourself from misery.

Cut to the weekends in theatres. Most young women and sometimes even older women arrive at the theatres hallucinating. They forget the fact that their favourite movie stars are on screen, and not there holding hands with them to watch the film together. Heavy dressing, designer bags, nauseating perfumes, heels and a few inches of make up, all for 2 to 3 hours in the dark. They spend a few minutes combing their hair and reapplying lipstick in the rest room during interval. Agreed, now there are restaurants, gaming arenas, and even malls in the same complex as theatres. But all this has sprung up only in the recent past. And for the majority part, they actually turn up to watch a film a leave.

Drunken monks most often come alone (sometimes with drunk friends) and shift in their seats clumsily besides reeking of alcohol, and cause discomfort to his neighbours (how they get past security at the entrance is bewilderment). In the drunken state, he keeps moving annoyingly and clumsily and almost falls into the lap of his neighbour. If the neighbour wants to call security, the drunk might cause a scene about his rights to watch the movie because he paid for the ticket in the elite class and only then entered the theatre. Neighbours don’t protest so that he doesn’t cause a scene and embarrass them. The movie continues, and in a silent moment of screen time, the neighbours jump out of their skin as they hear a growl. It is the drunken monk snoring away to glory, sprawled across his seat with his mouth open, having fallen asleep within a few minutes into the film.

Then there are the several pairs of love birds, who coo and whisper loudly besides pawing each other noisily. You would gladly want to find a bat and put them out of their desperate misery, and ask them to go back to their bedrooms or some other private place.

Next come the lone rangers (avoiding the nagging wives at home) that dig for popcorn with one hand and hold the mobile phone in the other, and create as much noise as possible both with the popcorn and by talking loudly on the phone. The phone conversation is as usual quite aimless. Then you tap him on the shoulder and request him to speak softly because you are seriously unable to hear the dialogues. He neither feels the tapping, nor hears the request. You try again, but he is just too busy chewing the popcorn loudly and speaking loudly into his mobile, which is louder than the soft spoken request.

Loud translations are also part of the movie watching rituals. With English subtitles having been introduced to viewers, translations still continue, those taking part in this language class oblivious to the fact that they are disturbing neighbours. One says to the other as loudly as he can, “Actually vo kya bol raha hai yaar?” The partner replies loudly too, “Actually vo bol raha hai…” followed most of the time with incorrect translation. By the time the translation for one or two sentences have been completed, they have missed a couple of scenes, and now scratch their heads trying to figure out what they missed. Not bothering about any etiquette, they disturb the neighbour, “What happened next?” Now the neighbour explains the previous two scenes, and then the neighbour misses the next two scenes.

Weekends arrive and it is carnival time in theatres. Families arrive in full force in large numbers, complete with uncles, aunts and kids. The first ten minutes of the film are spent in hunting for their seats, stamping their neighbours’ feet and standing in front of their neighbours. Neighbours have to crane their necks and catch a glimpse of the screen, or stand in the aisle and watch the film till everyone settles down. The next ten minutes are spent in controlling the noisy kids. Then the next ten minutes are spent by one of the uncles taking the food order from the entire group for the interval.

Interval arrives, and the uncle makes three trips to and fro from the food counter, supplying everyone with colas and popcorn and other snacks to munch on. Sometimes the kids are let loose, and they pinch and poke and stamp the neighbours, because they cannot sit in one place and watch the film. Neighbours try to be kind because they are just kids, but they throw daggers at the parents, hinting at them to teach the kids some manners, to no avail. By then the movie has been completely ruined for them.

Weekends will also encounter pseudo college students. Movie buffs are now in serious trouble. You will hear the former huffing and puffing, and sighing and passing silly remarks, and giggling for no reason at all. Most of the time, it is because they are unable to follow, and they are just watching the film so that they appear to be hip and cool amongst their peers. They stop their unruly behavior only if a hot actor/actress appears on screen. They will leave the theatre, and will later be heard talking on their mobiles, “It was such a cool movie dude”. All movie buffs will roll their eyes, and curse themselves for picking a weekend show.

Those with friends in the film industry think the best way to watch a film is with them, but how wrong could they be. The entire two to three hours is spent in listening to them brag about themselves, especially how they would have written the script differently, directed the scene differently, who else they could have cast, and proven that they were better than everyone else (they will turn out to be the ones with the biggest flops), and also analyzing the film, leaving no room for the other person to interpret it himself, till he reaches a breaking point and gets a massive headache.

Sometimes we encounter body builders, who cover half the screen in front of you. You try requesting them to shift seats or move just a teeny bit, so that you can see the screen. After he refuses, for fear of being beaten up, you watch the film tilting at 45 degrees, and nurse a stiff neck the next day. Some race horses prepare for a race, and jiggle the whole row of seats, throughout the film. Then some donkeys keep kicking you from behind, even after you crane your neck several times and request them not to do so. Then the very “busy businessmen” shine their mobiles into your face, most of the time just typing wasted messages.

Show timings and theatres are advertised in every newspaper, every single day. But this does not stop people from arriving late for a movie (sometimes even half an hour after a show has begun), and then clawing their way in the dark to their seats, and in the process stepping on several pairs of feet, besides blocking the screen for a few minutes.

Lets admit it folks, movie watching etiquette is yet to arrive even in cosmopolitan cities, and movie buffs watch films in absolute misery. All you movie buffs out there please say this loudly and clearly to yourselves, “I will avoid watching a film during weekends. I will watch a film on the opening day only with other movie buffs”.


OPENING DAY FIASCOS

INCEPTION – Takes a massive beating with loud translators and popcorn chewers.

ENDHIRAN - A whole family goes chomp chomp chomp on burgers and every snack they could find at the counter, from the minute the movie began.

RAAVANAN – Uncouth behavior when Ranjitha appears on screen.

ASAL – Fans of "Thala" throng in a drunken state to hoot and clap.

THEERATHA VILAYATU PILAI – Jokes missed with loud bulls bellowing into your ears.